Funny American Jokes
American Jokes
======= 1 =======
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven.
She meets St. Peter at
the Gates,
and notices thousands of clocks.
"What are all these clocks for?" she asks
St. Peter. "Each person has one,
" he replied. "They start at midnight, and
every time someone tells a lie,
it moves ahead one minute. This one is
Mother Teresa's. She never lied,
so it never moved. This one is George
Washington's. He told only two,
so it is at two minutes past midnight."
Hillary looks around and asks,
"So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter
chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office.
He's using it as a
ceiling
fan."
==== 2 =====
Hilary is not feeling well.
She goes to her doctor and gets a complete
physical, only to find out that she is pregnant.
She is furious and can't
believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the
phone, and immediately begins to
berate him, screaming:
"How could you have
let this happen? With all of the
trouble
going on right now, you go and get
me pregnant!!! How could you?!
I just found out I am pregnant
and
it is your fault! How could you??? What
have you got to say???"
There is nothing but silence on the
phone.
She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR
ME???
Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely
audible whisper..."Who is this?"
======== 3 =========
The wives of four presidents
and
prime minister are talking together about
how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in
England people call it a gentleman,
because it stands up when women are
entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia
you call it a patriot, because you
never know if it will hit you on
the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France
you call it a curtain, because it goes
down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in
the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth
======= 4 =========
Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse
when Bill invites Monica into the Oval
office because he wants to show
her a clock. While in the office
Clinton
pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton
that's
not a clock, it's a cock!
Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2
hands and a face on it, it's a clock
==== 5 ==========
Jerry Falwell was seated next to
President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink orders.
The
President asked for a whisky
& soda, which was brought and placed
before
him.
The attendant then asked
the
minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust,
"Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore, than let
liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink
back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.
========= 6 =========
One Sunday morning, Chelsea
burst
into the living quarters at the
White
House and said, "Mom & Dad,
I have some great news for you.
I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in
Washington! He lives in Georgetown
and his
name is
Matt."
After dinner, the President took
Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with
you. Your Mother and
I have been married a long time.
She's a wonderful wife but
she's never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I have fooled around
with other women a lot. Matt is actually
your half-brother, and I'm afraid
you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken, but after eight months
she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and
very proudly announced,
"Robert asked me to
marry him! We're getting
married
in June." Again, her father insisted on
another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Robert is your
half-brother too, Honey. I'm
wfully sorry about this." Chelsea became
furious upon hearing
what her Dad had to say.
She decided to go to her
Mother and tell her about his numerous
infidelities. After Chelsea told
her Mom everything, she concluded crying,
"Dad has done so much harm.
I guess I'm never going to get married. Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head and replied,
"Don't pay any attention to what he
says dear. He's not really your father."
===== 7 =========
The history teacher wanted to award
some of her students with a prize of
going home early on Friday. So
she said "anyone that
answers the following
questions first with the correct
answer gets to go home! Little Johnny
thinks to himself "man I
really need to go home early".
The teacher asks who said,
" Ask not what my country can
do for me but, what
can I do for my
country"?
Mary raises her hand first
and says "John Kennedy.
The teacher says
correct,
you may go home.
Next she asks who said,
"I have a dream";
Peggy raises her hand and says
Martin Luther King".
"Correct" says the teacher
you may go home.
"Damn I wish those bitches had
kept
their mouths shut," says Little Johnny.
"Who said that?" asks the
teacher angrily?
Bill Clinton! "See you Monday,
Teach" answers Johnny
going out the door.
======= 8 ========
One morning while his wife was
making breakfast, a man
walked up to her and
gave her a healthy
pinch on her butt.
He said to her, "If you firmed up
your butt we could get rid of your
girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing.
The next morning her husband pinched
her breast and said,
"If you firmed these up we
could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's
penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up
we could get rid of the mailman,
the gardener, the pool man,
and
your
bother!"
======= 9 ========
A woman is in bed with her lover
who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours,
and afterwards, while they're just laying
there, the phone rings. Since it is
the woman's house, she picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her
and listens, only hearing her side
of
the conversation. ..
(She is speaking in a cheery
voice)
'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called. Really? That's wonderful.
I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great!
Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and
her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband
telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on
his fishing trip with you.'
=========== 10 ========
A woman gets out of the bath and
puts on a towel.
Her husband comes into the
bathroom to go to the toilet.
The doorbell rings.
The woman goes to answer
it wearing only the towel.
She opens the door
to
find her next door neighbor
Bob standing on the doorstep.
Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you £200
if you drop the towel'.
The woman doesn't want to
miss out on £200, so she
drops the towel. Bob takes a good
look at the naked woman then says his
goodbyes and leaves. As the woman
closes the door her husband comes down
stairs. 'Who was that?' He
asks.
'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he
give you that £200 that he owes me?'
======== 11 ===========
A man has six children and he is
very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling
his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's
time to go home, and
he wants to find out if his wife is
ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the
top of his voice, "shall we go home,
Mother of Six?" His wife irritated by
her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts back, "anytime
you're ready, Father
of Four!"
